Horses Have Mondays Too.

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This morning got off to a bad start when I was turfed out of my nice warm cozy stall into the paddock.  My hay was dumped on the nasty cold ground.  Ick.  At least I got to wear my groovy new blue blanket.  It is the nicest one in the whole stable.  And at least I didn’t have to share the paddock with any other horses, although that stinky old Max was right next door, making faces at me.  Because I am a Good Boy, I did not yell at him or let him pick a fight.  I just showed him what I thought of his nasty faces by putting my butt in his direction.

I was just laying into my morning hay when a human showed up.  Usually I like this human, but this morning, I was Just Not In The Mood.  Then I noticed she had a halter!  And she wanted me to stop eating my breakfast hay and go in the halter!  To WORK!!! I showed her what I thought of her plan by putting my mouth right into my big fresh pile of hay and ignoring her while I ate it.  I couldn’t believe it when she managed to slip that noose around my nose anyway.  Stinky old Max started laughing at me and said I had to go to work anyway and he was going to come over and eat my hay while I had to work.  I don’t think he is allowed to do that, but he said he was going to do it anyway!  I hate Max!  It was cold and the person took a long time to make the halter go, and I stuffed as much hay as I could possibly fit into my mouth before she made me leave.

Then she didn’t make the gate open enough and it bonked me in my nose and I knew it was going to hit me and hurt me, so I made sure to run through it as fast as I could.  I do not think the person likes it when I do that, but I am scared!  What else could I possibly do?

I got to go in the barn again where it was nice and warm, and guess what!  There was a WHOLE FRESH BALE OF HAY! And it was just waiting for me!  I thought for sure my day was looking up, and I took a huge bite out of it right away!!  I don’t want any of the other horses to eat my WHOLE BALE OF HAY!  Boo on that stinky old person, though, because she made me go in the cross ties and told me I could not have any of that hay.  She told me I could have my other hay when we were done with work.  I told her that stinky old Max was going to eat it all before I got back, and she told me not to be silly.

Usually I like getting groomed – brushing feels sooo good – especially when the person hits that spot on my neck, it makes me just want to take a bite out of the sky.  But it was cold, and I was cranky about my hay, and I didn’t want to feel good and take a bite out of the sky.  So I showed everyone and I made my tummy as big as I could.  I think it is funny when I do this because then the belt on the saddle can’t go on right.  But they can’t do anything about that, ha ha ha ha!  I laugh.  Ha ha ha.

Then what do you think happened?  I was there all tied up and stuff, and getting the saddle on, and who should come walking right into the barn with Laura?  Stinky old Max, that’s right.  It was his turn to go in our nice cozy stall that had just gotten all cleaned up and stuff.  He laughed at me, and he said “I ate all your hay! Ha Ha Ha!”  and then, like my day wasn’t already bad enough, he put a cootie on my nice new blanket that was hanging on the door.  And then he laughed again and said “Ha Ha Ha, I made a cootie!  Ha Ha Ha!”

I hate stinky old Max.  I wanted to kick him but the person said “NO!” and stood right next to the leg I wanted to use.  It is so unfair.

I showed her, though, because when we she took me out to the block in the ring, I waited until she got on the block, and then I walked up.  She made me walk in the tiny little circle, it is so impossible, and so I waited until she got on the block, and then I walked up again.  Ha ha ha!  Then I had to do another tiny little circle, and this time, I waited until she had one foot in the stirrup, and then I walked up!  And she sat on my butt behind the saddle!  It was so funny!  She had to hold the reins and told me to halt, but I didn’t feel like it.  Then she really told me to HALT! and made me do it with the bit, and hoisted herself up onto the saddle from my butt.  Laura was yelling something from the barn.  She thought I was going to run away and make a disaster, but I wasn’t, I was just making a joke! And it was funny!!

The rider wanted me to stop walking so she could do something with the stirrup, but it was still cold and I did not want to stop.  So I walked on.  And then she tried to make me stop, but I still did not want to, and I kept right on going.  Then she made me stop for a minute and started to do something, but I got confused – really, I was confused, not being a Bad Horse – and I did a Very Beautiful Leg Yield, right across my favorite corner of the arena.  I thought the rider was going to say “You are such a smart horse, Huey!” like she usually does when I make a nice Leg Yield, but she didn’t.  Instead, she started laughing really hard.  Then I was really confused so I stopped walking.  She got down and did her thing and then we went back to the mounting block again.  This time, I figured I had made my point already, so I did what I was supposed to do.

Sheesh.  Then we had to work really hard and do a lot of trotting.  That is OK because I really like trotting.  And it was warm, and then the person was telling me “Huey, you are so smart!” and “Huey, what a good boy!” and making pats on my shoulder.  I like that.  I was so mad about Max wanting to eat my hay that I forgot how much I like that, but then I remembered.  Everyone told me what a Good and Smart Boy I am.  And I am, too.

I thought we were going to go back in the barn after, like we usually do, and I had thought of three great things to say to stinky old Max, because I am a Good, Smart Horse and he is not.  And I was going to let him really know that!  But then – oh, my gosh, this was so exciting, the HAY TRUCK came!  All of that hay!  I thought I would be in heaven!!  But I can not go in the barn when the hay truck is there, and I can not go to the hitching post, so I had to go in the outside ties.

I like the outside ties.  They are right next to the grass and if there is anything I like better than hay and grain, it is grass! Last time I went into the outside ties, I waited until no one was around, and I pulled my head as hard as I could.  And I am not just a Good and Smart Horse, I am a Very Strong Horse!  And I pulled that tie right off the post and I was able to eat the grass.  So not going in the barn was OK because I was just going to do that again and have a nice snack.

Only, it didn’t go right.  I waited until the rider put the reins over my head because then she can’t make me not eat the grass, and I pulled my head down! But then something flew off the top of my head and right in front of my face and scared me.  And I made a little jump, and then my head was stuck to the ground!  A scary monster had taken those reins and was pulling my head down!  And it was going to eat me!  So I jumped back, but then my head got yanked down again!  It was terrifying!  And the rider said “Huey! Stand!” but I was too scared to even think about listening to that, and I backed up and every time I did, my head got yanked by the monster again!  And then the rider was pulling on my bridle and trying to make me go forward, but the monster was there, and I said “NO!” and I backed up some more.  The rider was scared of the monster, too, I could tell, and she kept saying “Huey! Huey!” and I was going to pull away from that monster and I didn’t care if the rider came too!  It was the scariest thing that happened to me EVER!  The the rider stopped shouting “Huey!” and I knew it was really bad because she shouted “Laura!” instead, and I never heard her shout that before, and if we have to shout for Laura then everything is too scary for words!!!!

Laura said something to the rider and she dropped my bridle and I thought that if Laura was going to come, the monster was definitely going to get sent away.  And then, guess what?  It happened!  All of a sudden, the monster stopped trying to pull me down, and the rider stopped being scared, and everything was OK again.  Well, it was OK after a while.  I needed a lot of combing and brushing before I was able to forget that terrifying experience.

The good news is that when the rider took me back to the paddock, she was right!  Stinky old Max did not eat my pile of hay!  It was right there, and he didn’t even put a cootie on it!  I got to wear my beautiful new fly  mask with the fur cuffs, and there was another horse there that looked at my hay but he is really old and I made a face and told him not to touch my food or I would beat him up, and he left it alone.

Gosh, I hope my Tuesday is better than my Monday was.

It was a very rough morning for me! But I did not lose my sense of humor!

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About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner Oldsmobile...it will take you right there.

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