I Am The Worst Horse, EVER.


I am so ashamed.  I lost my rider today.  This was not the first time, either.  I lost her before she was my rider, ages ago.  She told me to canter and I was having so much fun with her and I wanted to show off my Very Best Canter.  I thought she was going to be happy because I have a very good canter, but instead she got wobbly and I could not feel her hands and she yelled a bunch of stuff.  I could not hear it because I was working too hard at showing off my canter, but I think she must have been saying HO! because then she held onto my neck and I lost her.  And she didn’t get up.  I did not realize that she makes mistakes sometimes when she asks for things.  I did not get to go with her for a very long time, then, because I hurt my leg and I didn’t have any rider.  I was sad and it hurt and I did not want to eat my hay.  You know it is bad when I do not want to eat my hay.  But I got better, and then I had a bunch of riders, and now I only have one.

I was very happy because I realized last week that she is not just one of my riders.  No one else rides me now.  And no one gives me a massage!  She is mine.  She is my Very Special Rider, and I am her Very Special Horse.  I know this because she said so, about 100 times.  Laura taught us some fun new things!  I am a Jumping Horse.  I can jump VERY high.  And people say “Oooooh.” and that is good.  But I do not jump now, and that is good too, because jumping makes my legs sore.  I like to jump, but it is ouchy.  Now I am learning something new!! I am learning to dance!  Everyone tells me that I will not be a Jumping Horse anymore, I will be a Dancing Horse!  I like this!! Dancing does not make my legs sore.  Sometimes I am not a very good dancer and I make mistakes.  But I am trying!

Yesterday, the air was special and it made me want to gallop around in my paddock.  I felt like a colt again!  I kicked my heels up in the air.  I wanted to kick the sun!!  Laura said “Huey! You stop that before you get hurt, you are an old man!” but I said “I am not an old man!  I feel like a foal!!” and I ran around some more.

Today, My Rider came again and brought my fuzzy blanket.  This is good because it was cold last night and I had to wear my rain jacket, which is not fuzzy and soft.  It is OK for being out in my paddock in the rain, I do not get cold and wet and I like that, but I do not like sleeping in that.  I want to try out my new fuzzy coat.

I wanted to show off, too.  My Haydar told me that there were five pieces of hay on Bug’s blanket! I was going to get it! But My Rider knew! She made me not do it!  I thought it was unfair, so I kicked a bale of hay to show how mad I was.  Then everyone said “What are you doing Huey! Stop kicking that hay!” so I knew that they knew I was mad.  Clay got to go outside, too.  That was OK because I knew he was going to do that thing with my cross-tie.  He is very smart to wait until My Rider cannot see him, because she does not like it when he tries to be the boss of my head!

I thought Laura was going to teach us some fun new dancing today.  But instead, we had to trot a lot.  And then, this is so horrible, My Rider told me to trot, and then she put her feet off the saddle.  That is weird.  But I think Laura told her to, so she did.  And then she was bouncing on my back, which was not so great because she is a big person like I am a big horse.  And then I thought she told me to canter.  I wasn’t sure, but she squeezed me good, so I did.  And then it happened again.

I lost her.  One minute she was there, and the next minute she was on the grass outside the ring!  I was very embarrassed and I had to eat that grass right away.

I know what you are saying.  You are saying “Huey! You are one Stupid, Bad Horse to lose your rider! And then you ate grass! How could you do that!”  And you would not be saying anything I did not say to myself.  I could not believe I lost her again and then ate grass.  Laura took me away from the grass.  I was scared that My Rider would not get up again, like last time, but she did.  She said “Oof.” and “Ouch.” but she did not tell me what a Bad Stupid Horse I am.  Instead, she tried to take me back to the mounting block!

I said “No!” and I put my feet on the ground hard.  She came back and made me walk backwards, and then surprised me by walking forwards.  So I put my feet down again and I said “NO! You cannot ride me! I am a Bad Horse!” and she said “Don’t be silly.  Let’s go.”  So I walked up and she got on me and we walked and trotted some more.

Elvis and Clay and Pumpkin and Bug and Tango saw me lose my rider, and they said “Huey!  You stupid horse!  You should hang your head!” and I did.  I went into the cross-ties, and I did not even try to steal hay.  My Rider was not moving right, but she started to brush me anyway.  I was so sad that I put my head down, and I let my ears flop, and I made my tail as flat as it would go.  I could not believe it.  My Special Rider and I could not keep her on.  I did not say that, but I felt it!

Then, you know what? She knew anyway! She stopped brushing me and she went to my head and she said “Huey! Why are you sad?” and I said “Because I am one Bad Stupid Horse. I lost you again.” and she said “Well, yes, but that is because I am not a very good rider.  I am a Bad Stupid Rider. It is not your fault.  You are still my Special Horse!” and she tickled my lip and made me smile and I said OK.  I did not want to be No One’s Special Horse again.  Since I am a Special Horse I got the pink salt, and the big stall, and the fuzzy blankets, and Clay is not allowed to be the boss of my head.  And, between you and me, I like it when My Rider says how Smart and Good I am.  I will be a better horse tomorrow.

I promise I will be more careful!


About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner Oldsmobile...it will take you right there.

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