I Want More Carrots NOW!

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Hey you people.  I’m cranky.  I want carrots and no one is giving them to me.  I didn’t have carrots for ages and then I had some after that icky bath, and then I had some more on Saturday.  My rider came into my paddock and wanted me to come out of my muddy spot.  I had it all nice and churned up to make water on top.  It feels good on my hoofs!  I did not feel like coming out of my muddy spot, and I laughed at my rider.  Because I am cranky.

She did not come get me, though.  She stood in my paddock and she said “HUEY! Here!” and I laughed again and I said “What do you think I am, a dog? I do not come when you call my name!” and she said, “Oh yeah?” and then she said “HUEY! Here!” and she held something up in her hand.  I thought it might be colored orange, and orange things can be carrots, so I came a little closer, and it was.  It was a carrot! So I came right over and got that carrot!  And then I left again!  Ha ha ha!  I am cranky!

Then my rider went to a different place, and she said “HUEY! Here!” and I said “I am not a dog!” but the last time she said that, there was a carrot, so I thought I should go just in case.  And there was.  Another carrot! What a score!  And then before I could go away again to the mud, the rider walked away.  But I said to myself, I said “Huey, if that rider had two carrots, she might have three.” So I went over and poked her with my nose to see if I could smell carrots.  And I could, but you know what she did?  She pushed my nose away! And she said “No carrots this time!”

Then I figured it out.  She did have carrots, but I could not get them on my own, because she just pushed me away.  I could only get them if I came when she called me.  I guess I am a dog.  But I am cranky so I will not do that again!  I guess I was too cranky, because then the rider put my halter on and made me go in circles on the driveway and walk backwards, and she had the stick, too.  Boo.

I was cranky on Monday too.  I had to work.  I did not want to work, and I made my slowest walk and I said “I do not feel like working!” and the rider said “Too bad.” and made me go faster.  Then I did not want to trot.  I just wanted more carrots.  I did not even get to eat all of my morning hay.  No hay, and no carrots.  That’s what I call a Bad Morning. And it did not get better.  In the afternoon, I had to share my paddock.  I do not like to share my paddock with other horses, because it is mine.  Laura says it is not good for me to be all alone, but she is wrong.  It is good, because then all the other horses know that I am the best.  I am special, and I get my own paddock, and no other horse can eat my hay!  It is like being a king!!

I said so, too.  I said “Do not put any other stinky horse in here” but they did anyway.  And guess who it was?  Topaz.  She is an old lady, and she cannot eat hay and grass because her teeth are too old.  But she tried to anyway, and she put a ton of my hay in her mouth and put cooties all over it, and then she spit it out.  She wasted it!  Because I am not going to eat hay that is covered with Old Lady Cooties! That is gross!!! So I made a face at her and I showed her my teeth and I said “You leave my hay alone, Topaz!” and she went off.  She told me “Huey! Your manners are terrible!” but she went off, so that was good.  I ate the rest of my hay, and then I stood around and thought for a while, and then I remembered that Topaz was still in my paddock, so I went over and told her she should get out of it.  Because I am cranky, and because it is mine.  She said “Huey! You stupid horse! I cannot leave the paddock on my own.  There is a fence.” So I said “I will find a way to make you leave!” And then I scared her so that she ran away and made noise, and then Laura came out and then I was not in the paddock with Topaz any more.  So there!

I thought that was going to be the end of it and I could go back to my paddock without any other horse in it, but then yesterday morning when I went out, Elvis was in my paddock.  And he wanted to eat all of the hay.  So I screamed at him.  I stamped my feet, and I screamed really loud “YOU GET AWAY FROM THAT HAY, ELVIS!” and I thought he would run away from me like Topaz did, but he didn’t.  He screamed back at me! He screamed “YOU DON’T GET TO BULLY ME, HUEY! I AM NO OLD LADY! I WILL GIVE YOU WHAT FOR IF YOU MESS WITH ME!” and he stamped his feet too.  Well, I did not know what to do.  Even Max did not scream at me.  No one screams at me.  So I stood there a minute and thought, and then I decided.  I screamed right back at him “HOW DARE YOU SCREAM AT ME, YOU BAD HORSE!” and he screamed “YOU ARE THE BAD HORSE, HUEY!” and I screamed “I AM NOT, YOU ARE!” and he screamed “NO,  YOU ARE!” and I screamed “NO, YOU ARE!” then my throat was getting tired and I was hungry so I said “I will eat this pile of hay and you have that one.  But if you come over here, I will bite you.” and I showed him my teeth so he knew I would.  I was just going to rest for a minute while I decided what to do about Elvis, but then my rider came to take me away to work.

Someone told my rider about Topaz, and she was mad.  She said “Huey! You bullied an old lady?  What kind of horse are you! I am ashamed.” and then I was sorry, but only a little bit, because I wanted carrots, and Topaz put cooties on my hay, and I did not want to share a paddock with some horse that ruins hay.  So I said “I am not sorry! And I do not want to share a paddock with Elvis, either! So there!”

And then, I did not have to go back to the paddock with Elvis, but that was not good because my hay pile was there.  I had to go in the round pen instead, and there was no hay.  At least there was no other horse, either.  I was mad that there was no hay, and I yelled really loud and I stamped my feet on the ground.  But no one came to give me hay or let me out, and after a while, I stopped yelling.

It is not fair.  I do not want to have to share with any other horse.  And it is not fair that my rider was ashamed.  She said I must have gotten out of bed on the wrong side.  But there is only one door to my stall, so how could I go out the wrong side?  I do not understand.  I cannot help it.  I am cranky, and I do not get enough carrots.

It is not easy being one cranky horse. I should have sympathy, and a massage, and a bunch of carrots.

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About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner Oldsmobile...it will take you right there.

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