Today I Am A Horrible Horse.

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I do not know why.  I just am.  I can’t help it.

This morning I was minding my own business in the paddock and I had two hay piles, just for me.  Then my rider showed up and got the harness, uh-oh, and at the same time, Clay came in!  Oooh. He made me mad yesterday.  I went into the paddock with him, and I said “Clay! Get away from that hay pile! It is mine!” and he said “Who is going to make me?” so I said “I will!” and I showed him my teeth to remind him I could bite him.  He showed me his teeth, because he is a stupid copy cat.  I bonked him with my nose to show him how stupid I thought he was, and because he is a stupid copy cat, he bonked me to.  So I reminded him Who Is Boss.  I reared up to show him how big I am, and I screamed “YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE PUNK!” and I stamped my feet on the ground hard!  Let me tell you, Clay made the white of his eyes and he backed right up because he is not only a copy cat, he is a sissy too.  I went forward just to show him how much of a sissy he is.

Then he got even more disrespectful.  He showed me his butt, and I said “Ha ha ha…here come my teeth for a huge bite you dummy!” and he picked up one of his feet and showed me the bottom of that and said “You are the dummy!  How is that big old scrape on your shoulder feeling now Huey? Ha Ha Ha! You want another one on the other side?” and then he showed me the bottom of the other foot.

I am not a dummy, and that scrape does still hurt.  My rider keeps putting stuff on it, and reminding me that it is there, so I had to stop and think for a second about what to do.

Clay, that dummy, thought that this meant that I was going to be the sissy, and he turned around, so I showed him my teeth again and stamped my foot.  He showed me his butt again and flashed his hoof.  I was not stupid enough to fall for this, because that scrape hurt and it made my beautiful hair fall out, and I do not want another one.  So I said “You stupid horse, you just go over there before I really beat you up.” and he said “OK.” and he went.  So it was OK.

So this morning, Clay came in and my rider came in, and he went to my other hay pile and put his nose into it.  So I went over there and said “Clay! You leave this hay pile alone!” and he said “OK” and he went to the other hay pile.  So I went to that one too and said “You leave this hay pile alone!” and he said “OK” and went to the other one.  I guess some sense fell into his head overnight and he realized it is a good idea to respect me because I am older and tougher.  So everything was fine but then I remembered the rider was there with the halter and I did not want to leave both of the hay piles to Clay because then he would eat them, and then he would be a stupid little punk horse again.  So I said to the rider “No, I do not want to go in the halter.  I am going to eat.”

And what do you think she did?  She made the halter turn into a snake and scared me right off of my hay pile! I ran away a little bit.  I thought she was going to run after me, and I was smart, and I was just going to wait until she moved away from the hay pile and then take it right back.  Because have four legs and she only has two, and I am faster and stronger.  And I am smart.

So I ran to the other hay pile and said “Clay! Move!” and he did, but then the rider somehow got there first! And she made the rope be a snake and I got scared and ran away again!  And then I went to the other pile, but she was there with the snake rope and then I went back but she was there too.  I could not believe it!  She would not let me go to any of the hay!  And she just ignored Clay and let him eat anything he wanted, while I could not do it at all!  And she said to me, “Huey! This is my hay and you are being a Bad Horse, and Bad Horses do not get any hay!” and I said “Clay is a Bad Horse and he is eating the hay!” and she said “It is my hay and if I say Clay can have some, he can have some.  You cannot have any because you are my Bad Horse, and you need to stop this and go into the halter or I will make the snake rope chase you all day long! And Clay will eat all the hay!”  Well, this is not exactly what she said, but it is the idea.

Then I stopped for a minute, because I was tired of running around, and I chewed for a while and made my lip help me think and I thought really hard.  And here is what I thought.  I thought that I am the Boss of Clay.  And I am, too.  I can make Clay go away from the hay pile any time I want, which is how I know I am the Boss of him.  And here is my rider, and she is making me go away from the hay pile all the time, and I think that means that she is the Boss of Me.  And if she is the Boss of Me, and she says Go In The Halter, then I guess I have to go in the halter.  So I put my head down and put my nose out to go in the halter.

I thought I was going to have to work, but I didn’t.  My rider just showed my foot where it had a new crack in my hoof to Laura, and then the talked.  I was bored, so I pawed the ground with my hoof.  I have found that this is a very good way of getting my rider’s attention.  And she turned right around and said “Huey! You stop that!” and started talking to Laura again.  I was still bored, so I pawed some more, and when my rider turned around to say Stop, I stretched my head waaaay out and said “Can I have a massage?”  She just laughed and scratched my neck and put me back with Clay.

You can imagine how surprised I was when she came back later!  She is never at the barn two times in one day!  But today she was! I was very curious, and I had reminded Clay of who is his Boss, so I went right over to her to see if she had anything interesting.  She had the halter and said it was time to do some work.  She put my saddle on, but not the bridle, which was really weird, and then we went out into the ring and I had to show her that I remember my tricks.  I walked in a circle this way, and that way, and I stopped, and I backed up (I hate backing up!) and then she made me stand still forever. Then there was a scary leaf blowing, so I jumped, and then I had to walk backward some more.

Well, it was hard to do all that, because it has been ages since I got to run around!  I like mud, but the mud we have right now is sticky and pulls on my feet, and then there is ice.  I cannot run on ice, it is too slippery.  And I just wanted to run and put wind in my mane, but the rider just wanted me to stand still and do what she wanted me to.  It was boring, and the other horses were saying things like “Huey! You should run around!” and “Huey! Watch out for that leaf!” and “Huey! Can you feel the sky?” and “Huey! What is that noise?”  It was very distracting!  And the rider didn’t make them stop, she just wanted me to do things, and I kept getting scared by noises and leaves and the sky, and the other horses were making me nuts!!

Then, this is embarrassing, the rider got up, and I forgot what it felt like to have a saddle on, and she wanted me to walk here and there, but the ground had some snow on it, and the horses were talking, and then Elvis started yelling, and I could not help it.  I jumped and I wanted to run away because it was scary!  And I completely forgot about the rider!!  It wasn’t until  she yelled “Huey!” and pulled really hard on my bit that I remembered where I was.  And she said “Settle down, Huey! There is nothing scary here!  I will take care of you!” but I did not believe her, and then everything was scary.  I even got scared by the sound of the four-wheeler! And I never get scared by the sound of the four-wheeler!  It was just Too Much.  It is a good thing that the rider said “We will try again tomorrow, Huey!” and got down because I thought I might get so scared I would have to run away.

Then Tango was in the crossties so I had to go on the hitching post.  I like the hitching post because it is the perfect height to put my teeth on and suck air!  So I did that right away! But the rider, who hates me, said “Huey! You stop that! It will ruin your teeth!” and I said “I do not care!!” and I put my teeth on it again.  I will show her who is the Boss of Me.

But then, I guess, she really is the Boss of Me because she went and got the cribbing collar.  I hate the cribbing collar.  For one, it is uncomfortable.  For another, it keeps me from sucking air and getting a buzz.  But I hate it the most because it is embarrassing.  The other horses laugh at me.  I can only hang my head.  I hate the rider for making me wear it.  I hate the other horses for laughing at me.  I hate the hitching post for keeping me from running away.  I hate the dirt there because it is not mud.  I hate everything when I have to wear the cribbing collar.

Not only did my rider make me wear the cribbing collar, she left me on the post while she talked to a bunch of other people.  I said “Hey, you stupid rider! Take me off this post and give me some food!” and she said “Huey! You stop sulking and be patient.”  So I waited forever and she just kept talking, so I said “Hey! Rider!” and I bonked her butt with my head.  She is lucky I did not bite her, because I could have!  And she said “Huey! I have had enough of your Attitude! You stop fidgeting and wait for me.” and then I waited forever again, and then I really lost my patience!  I bonked her hard with my head, and she said “STOP THAT!” and I said “You did not have to do that!” and jerked my head back, but I forgot I was on the hitching post, and then my head stopped, and I really got scared! I pulled HARD! And I pulled so hard that I pulled that hitch right out of the hitching post!!  When it came free, I thought “Hey, what?” and I stood still to figure out what happened, and my rider got my rope and the hitch was still there and she said “Oh, Huey.” and then Laura said “What is this?” and then everyone stood around and looked at it.

I think I was a Bad Horse then but I do not care! I was tired of being on the hitching post, and I was bored and my rider was NOT paying attention to me! It was not fair.  I do not care if I broke the hitching post. I would do it again.

Then, I got to go back in my stall.  I said “Yay!” because there is food in there sometimes, and I charged to the door.  I was surprised to find something stopping me!  It was the rider! And she said “I have had enough of this today.” and she made me walk backwards.  I did, but I was confused and I said “I am going into my stall now!” and I charged again.  And that rider!  She had my head and she made me walk backwards and she said “Huey! I am still the Boss of You!  NO CHARGING. I am going in, THEN you are going in!  Do not try to run over me, or I will make you walk backwards again!” and I said “You are so unfair.” and she said “I do not care if I am unfair.  YOU WAIT.” and because she was the Boss of  Me, I had to wait.  And she went in, and I went in, and then she took off the halter and said “You get up on the right side of bed tomorrow, Huey, because we are going to do some more work.”

I did not care, because there was food in there, and because the halter was off.  I went right over there and I ate that hay.  And I did not stop eating it until I was done.

I did not want to be a Bad Horse today.  But I could not help it.  And just so no one thinks that it is only me, Tango was a Bad Horse, and Noah was a Bad Horse, and Elvis was a Bad Horse, and Clay was a Bad Horse too.  I heard the rider say we had all gotten up on the wrong side of the bed.  The person with the water just said we all had Piss and Vinegar.  I guess those are other words for Bad Horse. I do not want to be a Bad Horse tomorrow either, but it could happen!

All the horses in the barn are Bad Horses! But it is not fun at all!

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About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner Oldsmobile...it will take you right there.

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