I Can’t Believe What I Have To Put Up With.


Well, that dummy Clay has really done it this time.  His manners have been a lot better lately and I thought he might have smartened up, but you know how it is with these youngsters.  They just have to learn everything the Hard Way.

I thought maybe it was time for Winter Vacation because it got really cold and the sky made a lot of snow, and that usually means it is winter time and that I do not have to work for a long time. I like the snow.  It is tasty and crunchy, almost like eating hay, but it turns to water in my mouth and hay does not. Also, you can use it to make mud, and anything that makes mud is a Good Thing. In my book, anyway!

So I am still going out in the paddock with Clay.  I had shown Clay who was Boss every day and then he settled down and stopped being such a punk.  I told him he would be sorry he had ever tried to be the Boss of my head, and I was right.  So when there was snow, he was respectful.  Well, he was more respectful than he had been, anyway.

Then the snow went away, and there were tons of mud!  It was great!  I put mud on my feet, and mud on my jacket, and I even managed to put mud on my face!  I love mud!!  But.  Clay started to forget that he was supposed to be respectful, and I had to start reminding him, so I did not get to enjoy the mud as much as I wanted.

Then it was hot!  Like it was summer, almost!  I was very confused.  And my rider came and I had to work two days in a row.  I guess it is not time for Winter Vacation after all.

Then, one day, I thought it was going to rain, but my rider came anyway.  I was surprised because she does not ride me when it rains!  But then I realized she did not have her boots or her special hat, so I thought maybe I was going to get a massage.  She came into the paddock and had a bottle of that stingy stuff she has been putting on a cut on my leg.  I never did know any rider to be so fussy over little scratches and cuts.  It is like she thinks I am a baby, or that I will break like a piece of ice.  She is silly.  But she wanted me to stand still so she can put this stuff on my cut, and I learned that it is easier to just go along with that, so I did.  Then I thought she was going to go away because she did not bring my halter, so I went back to looking at the ground to see if I missed some hay.

But the rider did not leave!  She went over to a corner and she said “HUUUEEEY!” and patted her leg.  Well.  I told her before I am not a dog.  But.  Sometimes when she does that, she has carrots so I thought it was a good idea to come over there and check it out.  And she did!  There was a carrot!  It has been ages since I have gotten a carrot!  I ate that carrot right up!  Then I smelled her all over because I thought there might be another carrot, and she put her hand out to make me stop, and that is when I discovered that her hand tasted like my special pink salt!  She does not usually taste like my pink salt, but I am not a horse to argue, so I licked that taste right off her hand.  And then I thought, what would go really well with my carrot and some salt?  Right!  HAY!  So I started looking around for hay.  Then the rider went off again, and then she said “HUUUEEY!” and I knew that there was going to be another carrot, and there was!  TWO carrots!  I am one lucky horse!!  And I am a Good Horse, I know, because the rider said so.

Well, she went out and stood on the other side of the gate, but she didn’t get the halter, so I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be there or not, so I went and stood there just in case.  Then who do you think came around, thinking he was going to get a carrot too?

Right.  It was Clay.

He had the nerve to come up while I was standing there with my rider.  I gave him an evil look with my eye and said “Buzz off.”

He didn’t hear it, and he didn’t see my evil eye, I guess, because he kept right on coming.  So I put my nose out and hooked it up and said “I said, Buzz Off!”

Well, he sure heard that, because he stopped, but then because he is a stupid horse, he kept coming.

So I put my whole head out and hooked it up and said “You heard me Clay!  This is my rider.  It is not your rider, it is mine.  And if my rider has any carrots, they are for me.  Not for you.  I said BUZZ OFF!” and he stopped and said “I am not scared of you. I am going to see if there are any carrots.”

And he kept on coming.

I showed him!  I peeled my lips back and I showed him my teeth and I opened my mouth nice and wide and picked the spot on his neck that I was going to bite and I said “I warned you!” and I went for him. But, because I am a Good Horse, I made sure that I stayed in between him and my rider, even when I was going for him.  Clay is so stupid that he might kick the rider.  Dummy.

Well, he saw those teeth coming and he jumped right up in the air and he started going backwards pretty fast, I tell you! And he said “OK OK OK! I will not try to get a carrot from your rider! OK!” so I closed my mouth and I put my lips back and I went back to the rider in case there might be more carrots.  But she just laughed and said “You are one tough horse, Huey!” and then she left.

Well, that dummy Clay.  The hay person came around and put food in there, and we ate it up, and then I wanted to take a nap because it was raining but I had a nice jacket on so I was not getting wet.  Clay has a poncy jacket.  It is purple.  He is so proud of that, be prances around in it and boasts about how great his jacket is, but I think it makes him look like a sissy.  I said he should get a Real Horse Color, like green.  Or blue, like I have.

Anyway, I was getting all settled down for an afternoon nap, but Clay started making a huge racket, and he didn’t stop, so I opened my eyes to see what he was on about.

He had this thing that Laura put on our mud.  I think it is supposed to make me not want to go there, but I am used to it and I do not care.  It is a thing that stays on the ground and comes up to my knees.  It is pointy like a carrot, only it is pointy on the top and not on the bottom.  And it is orange like a carrot.  But it is not a carrot.  It is not tasty, and I cannot eat it, and it is not interesting to chew on.

But that dummy Clay had picked it up and was dancing all over the paddock with it in his teeth, shouting “Huey! I have a carrot for you! HUUUEEY!” and then he was laughing, ha ha ha.  Stupid horse pretended to be my rider with his stupid fake carrot.  I said “You shut up, you stupid horse.  Let me take a nap.”

But he didn’t.  He danced some more and said “HUUUEEY!  I have a carrot for you! Ha ha ha!” and swung it around in the air.  I said “No. Dummy. Leave me alone.” but he just kept swinging it around and trying to get me to come take it from him, like I was going to be fooled into thinking that thing was a real carrot, and he kept shouting “HUUEEEY!!” and laughing like an idiot.

I said “Leave me alone!” but then he jumped in too close to me, and he was still shrieking and swinging that orange thing like a maniac, and laughing, and then do you know what happened?

He swung it and hit me in the face with it.  And he made a huge cut on my mouth, and it started to bleed.

I said “LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, YOU STUPID HORSE! I DO NOT WANT YOUR STUPID FAKE CARROT! I WANTED YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE! NOW YOU MADE MY MOUTH BLEED!” and I turned around and I kicked him, as hard as I could.  He dropped that fake carrot right away and ran to the other side of the paddock.  Then everyone came out and said “What is going on?” and I showed them my lip and told them what Clay did, and they put some stingy stuff on my cut.

That Clay is a Bad Horse!  First he scrapes all the hair off my shoulder, then he busts my lip with a giant fake carrot.  Dummy.  I cannot believe I put up with him.  I can tell I am going to have to start reminding him who is Boss every day now.

The big cut from Clay's fake carrot is on the other side, where you can't see it.


About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner Oldsmobile...it will take you right there.

2 responses »

  1. It is something else, at that! A girl walks into a barn. The barn owner says “Oh, by the way, Clay hit Huey in the face with a traffic cone on Thursday afternoon and put a cut on his lip.” It would be hard *not* to capitalize on that kind of material.

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