It All Goes Bad So Fast.


This started out to be a Good Day.  It is cold again, for one.  It has been very hot lately, and I have a very nice winter coat (everyone says so!) that makes beautiful waves on my neck.  And it is warm.  But all week it has been hot like summer!  I do not want to work, I do not want to run around, and I sure do not want to play Toss The Fake Carrot with that idiot horse Clay.  Not that anything stops him.  He is such a pest.  His fake carrot is starting to fall apart, he has been so pesty with it.  The other day, he was holding it with his teeth and talking through his mouth.  You should have heard it.  “Pwwaymg wif de cwawwot Hwwwy! hahahah!”  while he bonked me in the neck with it, over and over and over and over until I told him to buzz off before I bit him.What a dummy.  When I saw that it was starting to fall apart, I said “Good” because then I thought at least he would not be pestering me all the time.  But guess what?  He found another fake carrot.  A horse just cannot get a break, I tell you.

It stopped being hot the other day when it started to rain.  The mud in my paddock is not as nice because someone put a lot of sand there, and sand does not get gooey like mud does.  It is wet, but it is disappointing.  On the other hand, it cleaned my hoofs off good, and then I looked at them and I realized they are not pretty now.  Usually I have very handsome hoofs, and people stop and say “Huey! Your hoofs are so beautiful!  They are so huge and magnificent!” and I say “Yes, they are.”  But now they are all ratty and chipped and not at all nice. I do not know what my rider is going to do about this.  Once I had a rider that made my hoofs nice all alone, I did not have a real farrier then, but it did not matter because my feet were beautiful.  I do not think this new rider knows how to do that, though, so I hope that she is going to get me some help for this.  I do not like having ugly hoofs.  Also, if my hoofs get messed up I will not be able to run around anymore.  And then who will keep that dummy Clay in line, that is what I want to know!

Now it is cold again, which is right for the sun.  All day yesterday the wind was singing my name, and I wanted to run as fast as I could to race it, and I knew I would be able to win. I could beat the wind!!  And the sun was out and it called my name too, and it was a great day.  The only thing is that my rider did not come.  I wanted her to come so we could run around together.

Today it was not windy, but I was still excited, because I thought my rider would be there and then we could run. It would be wonderful.  I think my rider should come see me more often.  I mean, Clay is all very well, but he does not give me massages and carrots.  He only tries to give me the fake carrot, and then he tries to give me bites and kicks.  It gets tiring.  I was not fast enough to get out of his way this morning, and he took my hair off, and he took my skin off.  It is not a big scrape, but it stings.  My rider said I should kick him and kick him good if he got in my space again, and that surprised me because I do not think she likes it when I beat up the other horses, but I might try that with Clay.  He is a pest, and his is messing up my coat.

Then my rider showed up!  She was not in her riding clothes, so I was disappointed because I knew that we would not be running together. I thought about showing her that by refusing to go in my halter, but she snuck it on to me.  When she was tying it up, that jerk Clay snuck up behind me and tried to bite my butt.  But my rider saw him coming!  And she said “PSSSSSS! Clay GET AWAY” and she showed him the end of the rope snake, and he ran away a little bit.  I was upset because I had been snuck into the halter and because Clay is a brat, but she saw that and she told me a secret.  She said in my ear where it tickled, “Huey! We are going to do some carrot stretches! And you know why they have the word ‘carrot’ in them?  Because there are carrots!” So then I felt better and I went along.

I thought I was going to go in the cross-ties but instead, she held on to my rope, and there it was:  the carrot.  I went for it!  But when I did, she sneaked it down my side, and then my nose was on my side and not on a carrot!  I could still smell the carrot, though, and she showed it to me and so I went for it again. This time I got it, and I chewed on it, but the rider would not let me have it all, so I only ate the end of it.    Then you know what?  She went to the other side.  I was going to grab that carrot when she walked in front of me, but she was too fast.  Next thing, my nose is following the smell of carrot and I’m touching my other side instead of that carrot!  She made me chase it up and down and through my front feet!  It was a game!  And I won!!  I got to eat the carrot.  And then, there was another carrot and another game.  I was so happy!

I thought maybe there might be a third carrot, so I put my nose all over the rider and tried to get into her pockets, but she just said “Huey, you cannot be so pushy!” and made me go in the cross-ties.  I was very disappointed.  Cross-ties.  I wanted more carrots, and all I was going to get was a stinky brush-out.  That’s when the rider saw my new owie from Clay.  She made a noise like a goose.  She said “Hisss.” and she said “Clay?” and I said “Who else?” and she said “This has got to stop.” and she put some stuff on it.  I did not mind, because this was more ouchy than the other scrapes, and the stuff made it hurt less.

But then…my day got really bad.  Because the rider was brushing me, which I kind of like, and my owie was starting to sting less, and I put my nose out to check for more carrots, and she touched my nose, and it went ZAP. And it hurt!  My rider ZAPPED my nose!  I do not know why she did that!  I did not do anything wrong!  And it was scary!  and I put my head way up in the air and I rolled my eyes and I jumped around because it was scary and it hurt.  And I do not know why the rider would do something like that!

I was not a happy horse, and I was going to tell that rider so!  I put my lips together and I made a big frown, and I closed my nose up and I blew hard out of it so that she would hear that I was not happy and it made a very loud noise, like SNERT! and then I looked at her to see if she understood how not happy I was.

What do you think she did then?

She laughed.  She started laughing and said “You are silly!” and I said “I am not silly! I am mad!” and I glared at her with my eyes, and I made an even bigger frown, and I squeezed my nose together and blew even harder, like a trumpet.  I tell you, even stinky old Max would have run away from this, he would have been so scared!  But that horrible rider?

She just laughed more.

I hate that rider.  I cannot believe that she zapped me, and then she laughed at my frowny face and mad noise.  I hustled backward and I told her that she was lucky that I was in those cross-ties, because if I wasn’t, well…we’d see what was funny then.  Stupid rider.

So she said “Oh, Huey, I am sorry I zapped you.” and I could tell she meant that.  But then I said “You laughed at me too.” and she said “Oh, I am sorry I laughed at you, too” but she was laughing some more when she said it, so I know she did not mean it.

Well, I showed her.  She thought that she would be able to go back combing me, but every time she put her hand near my head or neck, I pulled it away as far as I could and I said “You are not going to zap me again, you stupid meany!”  I let her do my feet, though, because that needed doing.  And I let her comb my mane, because that felt good.  But I did not let her comb my forelock.  I rolled my eyes and I said “You are not going to do that, you stupid human that zaps horses on the nose and then laughs at them.”

Well, she didn’t stop, she did apologize again, but I was not feeling like saying “Oh, OK.””  She should know that this was not OK.  I kept showing her.  But then, right when it had been long enough and I started to forget why I was mad in the first place, she took me out of the ties and said “If you’re going to be that way, back to the paddock you go.  Take it out on Clay.”

And she did. She put me right back in that paddock and said “See you later Huey” and she did not stop to tickle my nose or pat my neck or anything.  She just walked out.  And then she stood there on the other side of the gate, and I was not sure if it was OK to come over and get scratched, or if I had to go away.  She did not say I could come, so I stood there for a while.  Then Clay came over to the rider and tried to sniff her for carrots.  She said “Go away, Clay. You are not my horse.” and so he went and got his dumb fake carrot and whapped me on the neck with it again, and I ran him off, and when I came back, the rider was gone.

I hope she does not zap me again.  That was scary.  And she should not have laughed at me.  But I think that I might have been able to get a massage today and I did not, so maybe I will not be such a mad horse tomorrow.


About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner will take you right there.

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