Wild Horses Don’t Do That!


I knew today was going to be a special kind of day!  This morning, when the barn doors opened up, there was a wind.  It was one of those winds.  The one that gets it fingers into your mane and your tail and whispers into your ear how it does not matter that you live in a barn and eat from a big blue bucket…you are really a Wild Horse!  And when that wind comes in, what is a horse to do?  Listen to it, of course!

You know what the best thing was?  All the horses in the barn heard it.  And guess what?  We were wild together.  ALL DAY LONG.

That wind had been going around the barn for ages this morning, reminding all of us horses that we were Wild, before Laura came in with breakfast.  I was so excited to get out in the paddock and be Wild that I could hardly wait for my hay and grain.  I stamped around a lot to let Laura know that she should bring the grain and hay fast so that I could go out and be Wild.  And since I am the oldest and smartest horse in the barn, all the other horses thought this was a Good Idea and they stamped and made a big ruckus too.

I thought it was going to take forever to finish breakfast, but finally, I did, and I went out in the paddock.

And, yes, I was Wild.

I couldn’t be as Wild as I wanted to, because even though that wind said it is Spring, it is not Spring really, it is still Winter, even though it has not been snowing and stuff.  We have a lot of mud, and a bunch of the paddock is icy.  And even though I am Wild, I am not Stupid.  I do not want to break myself on some icy mud.  So I was just Wild where it was regular dirt.

I thought I was going to get to be Wild all day, but then guess who showed up? Right. It was my rider.  Not like we have gone riding in ages.  That makes me cranky.  It is not so much that I want to have to work, but before I got to be Wild this morning? I was bored.  Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.  Go in the barn at night.  Eat some hay.  Go out to the paddock in the morning.  Eat some hay.  Stand around until more hay comes.  Eat the hay.  Go back in the barn at night. I remember when I used to get to do interesting stuff like going over huge jumps and running through the woods at 100 miles per hour, like the fast Super Horse that I am. But my rider does not do that, and she says I cannot jump, some silly thing about my knee and ankles.  But at least she takes me into the ring and we do some new stuff.  We have not done anything new in ages.  I haven’t even gotten to run around on the lunge line in ages.  The rider says it is too icy.  I think she should do something about that.

Anyway, my rider came, and she had the halter, and it is still icy, so I knew we were not going to do anything fun, just go in the barn and get combed and brushed like always.  She makes me do a horrible stretch now, she puts a pointy thing on my tummy and makes me lift it up.  I do not like that stretch.  She says I have to do it so that I will not be sore when we go riding again.  I still do not like it.  I swished my tail yesterday when she made me do it.  I did not want to do that stretch today, and I did not want to go in the barn and be combed and brushed.  And I really did not want her to put any of the stinky stuff on my hair that makes my blanket not ZAP me.

I said that, too.

I said “Hey, you rider. I am not going in that halter.  I am Wild today.  Wild horses do not go in the halter, and they do not get a bunch of brushing, and they really do not get smelly pink stuff to make the blankets not go zap, and they don’t have to wear blankets either! Because they are Wild!”

And I backed away from the rider.

Well, she did what she usually does if I do that, I guess she did not realize I was Wild.  She made the lead rope smack my butt.  When I am not Wild, this makes me need to run around the paddock.  Because I was Wild, it made me back up some more and glare at her.

She said “Huey, do not be silly. Go in the halter.”

And I remembered that even though I hate the stretch, and I am bored bored bored bored bored by getting combed and brushed, sometimes there is a carrot.  So I decided to go in the halter anyway, even though I was Wild.

I showed her that Wild horses don’t just go in the halter and act like they are not Wild.  The mares in the next paddock, they were Wild too, and they came running over like a whole little herd.  Since we were Wild, it was my herd, so I said to them “You mares! You be good while I am gone, or there will be trouble!” but they just laughed at me and said “Look at that stupid Huey!  He thinks he is the Boss of us!  Hahaha!! We will show him!” so they stuck their heads out and made faces, and I was scared and I jumped.

I did not jump forward like I would if I were going over a jump.  If I wanted to go over a jump, I could jump over any fence on the farm.  This is because I am a Champion jumper.  I jump things that are as high as buildings.  Or I would if my stupid rider would let me and not fuss about my knees and ankles so much.

But Wild horses don’t go over silly jumps.  They jump straight into the air! And that is what I did.

My rider snapped the lead line and said “You stop that, Huey! Behave, or else!”

And all the mares started laughing so hard one of them fell over and rolled.  They said “Ha ha ha! Huey!  Or else!! Ha Ha Ha!!”

So I was mad.  I made my special Mad Noise to let the rider know I was mad.  It is a good noise. I make my nose close up so I can hardly breathe through it, and then I breathe out, all at once, and as hard as I can!!  It makes a big noise.   And it is not like the other noises I make.  It is Mad.

My rider said “Huey! What is this Attitude!”

And I said “Wild horses don’t have Attitude!  They are just Wild!”

It was just what I thought, too.  I had to go in the cross ties, and there was no carrot, and I just had to get brushed like always.  Bored bored bored bored bored.

Laura was cleaning the barn and my rider said she should be careful behind me.  Laura is very smart, but she did not know I was Wild today.  She said “Huey would not do that” and my rider said “Well, he is Wild today, and I don’t know what he would do or not do today.” And she held onto my halter while Laura swept around my feet.  I would not kick Laura.  I don’t think I would.  But then the cat ran by and I jumped straight into the air again!  So maybe I might kick her.  You never know what a Wild horse will do.

Then my rider and Laura talked for a while, and then guess what?  Laura brought Glee into the barn!  And Glee was Wild too, and I said “HI GLEE!!” and he said “HI HUEY!!!” and then I saw the grooming brush and it scared me so I jumped straight into the air again.

My rider said “Huey, you are Too Wild today. ” and do you know what she had?

The lunge line.

Now, when I am not a Wild horse, I like to go on the lunge line, because it means I can run and it is safe and I will not get hurt.  And since I am bored bored bored bored lunging is a good thing.

But that wind was still there, and it said that Wild horses don’t go on the lunge line, so I gave a mean eye to the rider and I put my nose together and I made my Mad Noise again.

She said I would have to go twice as long, just for that.

On the way to the round pen, I was scared by the cat, and by a puddle on the ground, and by strange noise in the woods, and by the gate on the pen.  I did not realize that Wild horses got scared by so many things.  It is exhausting!!

My rider went in the middle, and even though I did not want to lunge, being Wild and all that, I could not help myself.  Usually I start by walking for a long time.  But that wind said that Wild horses do not walk, they trot.  So I had to trot.  And I trotted and trotted, and the rider said “Go Huey!” and she made the whip crack, and then I really showed her.  I bucked.  And I bucked again.  And I did not stop trotting!  I showed her I could buck AND trot.  This is what you get for being Wild.  And I cantered, and I trotted, and I put my nose down, and she made the whip crack, and then I had to run more.  And then she said “Huey! Walk!” and I got to take a break.  It was good, because I needed to get my breath back.

And the rider came over and scratched my neck, which I liked until I remembered I was Wild, and Wild horses don’t get their necks scratched.  And if they do, they don’t like it! So I jumped straight up in the air again, and the rider said “More lunging for you, Huey!”

I had to lunge until I thought my hoofs were going to fall off.

But…it didn’t run the Wild out of me!  Not all the way!

The rider cooled me off and brushed me with the smelly pink stuff and put my jacket back on, and took me back to the paddock.

I saw when I got there that the mares had started to take their fence apart.  The fence usually ZAPS us, but it didn’t then, and the mares took it apart.  Laura saw it and she was not happy.  She had to go fix it, and the mares were laughing like crazy.

The rider said I should get out of bed on the right side tomorrow, because too much Wildness isn’t good.

I said a horse can never be Wild enough, and then I was Wild all by myself in the paddock until it was time to come in to the barn for the night.

There was something scary in my stall when I got there!  It was a big ball hanging from the sky, and it rocked and it made me jump like crazy.  I was really scared of it until I realized it wasn’t coming any closer, so I went to go check it out.

And guess what?

It was some kind of food.  It was sweet, and hanging there.  I want to eat it all up but I can’t make it stop swinging.  My Wild horse just says to leave it alone, but…it’s sweet, and it’s food.

I think I may not be so Wild tonight.

Wild horses don't go in the cross-ties. But they don't get sweet sticky balls hanging in the barn, either.


About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner Oldsmobile...it will take you right there.

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