But I Did Not WANT A Bath.


I thought it was still going to be winter now, but it is very hot, just like summer!  And we are riding a bunch!  Well, maybe not a bunch but a bunch more than we were riding.  My rider comes to get me and then we ride, but it is over almost as soon as we are started.  I am hardly trotting around at all!  My rider says that I must not work too hard now or my back will be sore, but she is silly.  I can work lots more than this!  At least it is more interesting than just hanging out in the paddock with Elvis.

Elvis is still being a pain.  He wants to eat all the food, but I do not let him.  Then we scream at each other until the mares tell us to stop.  If I am not allowed to scream at Elvis, I will bite him instead.  If he is not allowed to scream at me, he kicks me.  He kicked the hair right off the inside of my hock!  You might say, but how did Elvis get his hoof up inside your hock, Huey? And the answer to that is that I do not really know.  I was biting his neck at the time.  I bit the hair right off it.  Then we did not care about the mares, and he screamed YOU BIT ME, HUEY!! And I screamed WELL, YOU KICKED ME!! and he screamed YOU STOP DOING THAT, HUEY! and I screamed WELL YOU LEAVE THE HAY ALONE! and he screamed NO! IT IS MY HAY! and I screamed NO IT IS NOT!!!  IT IS FOR BOTH OF US! and then the mares said that if we did not stop screaming, they were going to take the fence down again and come kick both of us.  Well, I am One Tough Horse, but I know better than the mess with the mares.  I am no dummy.

It was good today because we did not go to the paddock!  We went out at night and then all of us horses stayed in the barn during the day!  We never do that!! But Laura said it was because it is too hot and the bugs are bad, and they would be less bad in the barn, and they were.  I was not bothered at all by the bugs in my stall.  I have a special Wonder Horse Fly Mask.  I forgot about my fly mask and then yesterday when my rider put it on I panicked because I forgot about it, but she said “Huey, this is your fly mask, silly, it keeps the bugs off your eyes.” and I looked at it again and I realized that it was.  So I put my head down.  It is special because it is beautiful and blue and it has fur on it that is soft.  Elvis just has an Ordinary Horse fly mask like every other horse in the barn.  This is because he is not a Wonder Horse.  His is gray and it is not at all pretty.  Mine is beautiful.

So there I was in my stall, talking to my BFF Tango through the wall, eating my lunch, and here came my rider.  I thought we were going to ride, but no.  She left me in my stall and did a lot of things and there was water.  Then she took me outside, but we did not go into the arena or the little ring.  She took me to the hitching post.

It has been a very long time since I went to the hitching post.  I like the hitching post because it is exactly the right height for me to put my teeth on and suck air.  But then the rider started spraying my legs with the hose and I realized I was going to have to have a bath.  I was confused because I have baths to get ready for a show, but my rider does not take me into shows.  I don’t think she is good enough for a show.  I am, but we don’t do the kind of thing that I am used to doing in shows, which is jumping over lots of very tall fences!  I am a jumping horse!! But we do not jump together.  She said we were going to learn to dance instead.  I said OK, whatever you want.  But then I did not know why I had to have a bath if there was not a show.

My rider said it is because I was too dirty.  I said, how can a horse be too dirty?  I have worked very hard to be this dirty! I do not want you to take my dirt off again! But she did not listen and she kept making the water go on me.  And then there wasshampoo.  At least it was not stinky shampoo like the stuff she put on my hair to make it stop going ZAP with the blankets.

But then she put that stinky stuff on my mane.  I did not like that!!!  I said You stop putting that stuff on me! but she said not to be silly and kept doing it.  I tried to back away, but guess what?!?  A MONSTER GRABBED MY HEAD!!!  I do not like Head Grabbing Monsters, so I tried to jump up and go backward as fast as I could!!! And the rider said HUEY! and she used the special voice that means I have to listen to it no matter what.  So I looked at her and she said “That is not a monster! That is the hitching post!” and I looked at it, and she was right.  It was the hitching post.  It was silly to be scared of the hitching post, so I put my head back down and let her fix the halter.  I made it too tight trying to run away from the hitching post.  I still did not like the stinky stuff, but then the rider started to comb my mane, and that feels good, so I let her.

Then she soaked my tail and good and put a ton of the pink stinky stuff on it and combed it.  She took forever.  I was bored, so I started to use that hitching post and suck air.  Usually the rider does not let me suck air, she says it is bad for my teeth, but she did not notice me doing it because she did not make me stop.  And then she was done, and everyone stood around and said Huey! You are such a beautiful horse!!  My rider said I was a Horse Of A Different Color now, but I think that was silly.  I am just red, except where I am white.

But, this is very cool, I have pictures.  I did not like to get a bath, but I have to say, everyone was right, and I am a beautiful horse.  I will show you my pictures now.

This is me. See all the nice dirt I had before that bath?

Dirt like this doesn't just happen, you know. You have to WORK for it.

Here I am all wet. I am making my special Mad Face so that my rider will know that I do not WANT to have a bath. Also, I do not like this picture because it makes my neck look thin.

Here I am using the hitching post to suck air! But my neck still looks thin in this picture. I do not like that. I think I am better looking in person.


I have the most beautiful halter in the barn! I think green is my color!!!

This is my BFF Tango!!! She is a pony, so she has to work to put her head over the wall! I just put my head there, and it is easy.

This is Tango again. She said I should include this one because it is her Better Side. I think the other one is her Better Side. So we just put both in. My rider laughed and said that Tango makes her lips pout, and it is very cute.

This is Bug. He wanted to taste my rider's hair yesterday. He has a good fly mask, too. He hates bugs worse than I do, and it is funny that his name is Bug!!!

This is that dummy Clay. The pink thing on the side is the cross-tie that he likes to yank on when another horse is tied up there. Right now, he is watching Elvis have to work in the ring.


This is me and Tango talking through the wall. She watches while I eat, and I watch while she eats. Then we are safe. No birds or monsters will frighten us!!


About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner Oldsmobile...it will take you right there.

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