This Is Not Being A Good Week.


I will tell you why.  It is a bunch of things.

First, as I said before, when I am riding with my rider, I am the Wonder Horse.  Elvis is not the Wonder Horse.  He is lazy.  I am not lazy.  Clay is not the Wonder Horse.  He is too young to be thee Wonder Horse.  Also, Pumpkin and Sprite are not the Wonder Horse because they are too young. Sprite passes out cold in her paddock every day and makes people wonder if she is OK.  I, because I am the Smartest Horse In The Barn, know that this is because she is growing.  She is taller than I am!  And she is not even three years old!! She is going to be huge!!!  And she needs lots of energy to grow, so I am not surprised that she falls over every day on the dirt and goes to sleep.

Big, grown horses know:  You sleep standing up.  In case something happens.

But Sprite is young and she does not know this yet. She lies down on the dirt and goes to sleep, like she is a Human in a Bed.  I told her she should not do this because Wolves Might Come.  Or Cows.  Scary things, anyway.  But she did not believe me, and she said “Huey, you worry too much.”

I said that I do not worry, I am old and I am wise. I know about these things.

But she did not believe me, so every day, she lies down in the dust and she goes to sleep.  For hours.

I wish I did not care that much.

For one, if I did that, Elvis would eat all of the hay. Sprite does not have to worry about this, because she only shares a paddock with Tango, usually, and Tango does not eat that much hay.

Me, if I fall asleep on the dirt, I will go to my stall hungry.  And I do not like to be hungry.

So I will tell you about this week.

You remember Last Week.

It was being a good week.

One, I was the Wonder Horse.

Two, I had a bath.  I do not like the bath, but I do like people standing around and saying “Huey, you are such a beautiful horse.”  And, I think, when I have a bath, people stand around and say this a lot.

This is because I am a beautiful horse.  I am red.  My rider says this:  I glow in the sunshine.

I do not know what “glow” means, but I do know that when my rider says “glow” I get some nice scratches on my face where it itches, and sometimes I get a carrot.

So since the Bath I have been getting a lot of carrots and scratches on my face.

Here is the part that is not so good: I am the Wonder Horse because I am the best  horse at riding in the barn.  Maybe some day Sprite will be as good as me, but she is very young and does not know what to do yet.  No other horse is as good at riding as me.  I am the best. Elvis is lazy.  Clay is a child.  That new mare is insane.  Tango is a pony and only gets ridden by children. Glee is a baby.  Pumpkin and Sprite are too young.  Bug is very good, but, well, he is too concerned about where Topaz is.  It is distracting.  I am the best.  My rider is not so great, but I will show her what to do.  That is me, the Wonder Horse.

But the part that is not so good? My leg hurts.  My rider was all worried that my back would hurt, but I told her, my back is fine, it is my leg that hurts.  My leg got messed up years ago when I was a Professional.  I used to go over jumps that were the size of the barn.  Elvis gets mean to me sometimes, he says “Huey, you are such a baby, whining about your leg!” and I say to him, “Elvis, you go over a jump the size of the barn and we can talk about who is the baby!”  He is not as old and wise as I am, and he is kind of silly about things.  But I show him, you bet.

So my rider was riding me, which was good,, because it was not boring, and you know?  I like teaching my rider stuff.  She thinks I am magical because when she thinks we turn, I turn.  She thinks it is ESP.  I know it is because I can feel what her butt does in the saddle when she thinks “turn”.  So I look like a Genius! And, in fact, I am just a Smart Horse.  But she is like a foal.  She does not know anything.  It is OK, even though she does not know anything at all, because she asks Laura all the time about what to do, and Laura knows everything.  She is the Boss Mare.  So my rider says we are going to learn dressage even though I am a jumping horse, and I say OK because I am also a Wonder Horse.

But Wonder Horses don’t have sore legs.  And I have a sore leg.  I did not have a sore leg when I had a shoe, even though the shoe was Too Small and did not Fit.  It was better than No shoe at all. And my rider said Let us try with no shoes, and because I am a Wonder Horse, I said OK we will try.

But it did not work very well and my leg was sore.  I tried not to show it, but my rider, she may be young and not know very much, but she is smart! She said Huey! I know your leg hurts!  We are not riding any more!

And she said the V-word.

Now, I did not want the V-word around, because I think it is time for Shots, and I do not like Shots.  But my rider said, Huey, I am making the Vet come out, and he is going to look at your leg, and he is going to make it feel better because I know that it hurts!  Even if you pretend it does not.

And I said OK. You can get the V out.  I will be Good.

So yesterday, the V-word came out. It is not my usual V.  My rider said it was a better V for sore legs, and I should be sure to tell everyone when it hurt!  Well, I was a smart horse and a good horse, and I stood there carefully for the V.  I do not want to scare anyone by using the real word, so I just say “V” but You Know Who I Mean…

Well.  The V squeezed my leg up and down, and I said to the rider, Are You Sure? and she said Yes, He Will Make You Feel Better.  And then I had to run in rings, and then – this was very weird! – my rider ran with me, up and down!! I was very brave and the V said he could not see it, but he could hear it. And my rider said, See, Huey, I told you he was the Wonder Vet!  You are one lucky horse!! And I was, because everyone stood around talking for a while, and I poked my rider with my nose to say Do not forget that I am here!!! and she said You stop that Huey, I am listening to the vet!  And she made me go backwards, so I knew she was paying attention.  And then I went out and had a nice fight with Elvis over the hay.

Today, I thought that I would have a nice quiet day because the rider said we could not ride, and I was out with Elvis and everything was good.

Only? You know what?

The bugs came up.

I hate bugs.

I mean, I really hate bugs.

Usually, I have my Wonder Horse Fly Mask, and I get a Wonder Horse Fly Spray, and the bugs are not too bad.

But today?  I did not have the Fly Mask or the Fly Spray.

And you know what happened?

There were horrible bugs.  I stomped my feet, only my leg hurt. So I swished my tail.  I did not like getting my tail sprayed with stinky pink stuff and combed at the bath, but I have to say, it works better as a fly thing since then.  And I swished it like crazy.  And I shook my head, and I wondered why  I did not have my Wonder Horse Fly Mask.

And then?

A bug landed on my face.

I shook my face as hard as I could, but it did not go!

And then you know what happened?

That bug? It bit me.  It bit  me on the eyelid!!

And then you know what?

My eye got all fat!  I could hardly see out out it!  I could only see from one eye!  And one eye for a horse is almost nothing!!!

Elvis went in to the barn, and I screamed until I got to go in the barn too, even though I could only see from one eye.

There was hay there, so I felt a little better.

And then you know what?

My rider came.

And you know what?

She made me go in the cross-ties, with one eye, and she said Huey, I have something to make your leg feel better!

And she brushed that leg, and she put something hot on it. I was not sure I wanted something hot on it because there were bugs and I wanted to stomp those bugs, but she said You Hold Still! so I did, and she made something warm on my sore leg.  My leg wasn’t sore any more.  Just so you know.  There was something smelly in my grain last night after the V was there, but it tasted like apples so I ate it, and now my sore leg feels better.

It felt even better with the hot thing on it from my rider.

But then, you know what? She made a squirty thing go near my eye that was all fat!  I was scared!!!  And she said Huey, do not be scared, this is good for you! But I said You put something near my eye and I am scared of that!  But she squirted it anyway and it was OK.

Then she had something else to put near my eye.  I said Do not put anything near my Fat Eye!!  I am always scared of things near my eyes!  And I am scared now!!

But my rider said Huey, it is OK, this is going to make your Fat Eye feel better!  Just try it.

And she meant is, so I did, and you know?  She was right. It did feel better.  She took it off, and I said No!  You should leave that on! And I pushed my Fat Eye onto it!!

I had the cool thing on my Fat Eye for a long time, and then I got a brush.

Then! There was somethingexciting!!!

I was there, minding my own business and getting brushed and having warm things on my Sore Leg and cool things on my Fat Eye, and you know what?!?!?

There was another horse! It was behind me!!

I said Hey! There is not supposed to be any horse behind me when I am in the cross ties!!!

And my rider was there and she said OH NO! It is Sprite!!

And I said What do you mean, it is Sprite? Sprite is in that stall!

And my rider said NO! It is Sprite! She let herself out of her stall and she is going to visit Topaz!  You stand still, Huey!

And I said What do you mean she let herself out of her stall?  Horses cannot do that!

And my rider said Well, her stall was getting cleaned or something and she found a way out!

And I said I am going to do that too!  But wait, there is another horse behind me?!?!

And I thought about Sprite, because she is young and anything can happen, and I did not want anything to happen where I could not see it!

And just then, you know what happened?

Two mares screamed at each other.  Right behind me.

And then you know what happened?

Right.  I am no dummy.  I do not want to be anywhere around two mares that are screaming at each other, because they might have a fight.  And while I do not mind fighting with horses like Elvis or dummies like Clay. I am not going to be a part of a fight between mares.  So I screamed.  I screamed HEY YOU MARES!  THERE IS AN INNOCENT HORSE HERE, AND I DO NOT WANT TO FIGHT! BUT YOU ARE BOTH RIGHT BEHIND ME!! LET ME GO!! and I tried to jump forward to get out of their way.  They did not pay any attention to me, because they are mares and they just screamed HEY! YOU MARE!  I AM THE BOSS HERE!! and the other mare screamed PROVE IT!!!! and I jumped. And it was Not Good.  My rider had the rope and said Huey, they are mares, you are OK but what does she know?!?! She is a mare!! She does not understand what it s like for us boys!! So I screamed at my rider GET ME OUT OF HERE FAST!! and she said she was trying and I should hold still while she got the ties undone.

And then, thank heavens?  Laura came in.  Laura is the Boss Mare.  All the mares know this.  Sprite, Topaz, Tango, Pumpkin, they all know who is in charge.  And I do  too.  And when Laura came in, I knew it was going to be OK.  So I looked around and you know who was right there?  Right.  That dummy Clay.  So I thought I would take a minute to remind Clay who was Boss (when they mares are not around) and I went right to it..  And I was about to tell him just how much of a dummy he is, when something whapped me on the shoulder.  And you know what that was?

The lead rope.

Because my rider was standing right there.  And I have told you, she does not like it when we horses air our differences and she is around.  Well, I was just so much that because of the Big Fight with the mares and having to be let out of the cross-ties and stuff, the when my rider said Huey! You stop that!  I just whipped my head around from Clay.  And you know what I saw then?

That’s right.


And I realized I needed to tell Bug who was boss.  Now, this is more complicated than it is with Clay, because he is just a kid, so I can put him in his place easy.  And it’s more complicated than it is with Elvis, because I can just say to him, You are one lazy horse! and he says Yeah, I am lazy all right! but he does not understand that this is Not Good to be lazy. He thinks is is a Good Thing.  I know that it makes him a Bad Horse.

But Bug is old, like I am, and he is wise, and he does not fight with the other horses.  He just makes sure that Topaz knows he is Boss.  And he is Boss of one of the mares, so that makes him Important.

So when I saw, he was there, and the mares were still fighting, and my rider was messing around with the cross ties, and Laura was saying What is going on here?!?! I said Bug, I am going to show you!!!  And I put my nose up and I blew my nose at him!  And I said So there, Bug!!  And he blew his nose at me, and said So there, Huey! and were were going to get into it! But then my rider took my head and made me walk away.

Stupid rider.

So then Sprite had to go back in her stall, and Topaz had to eat some soggy hay cubes, and I had to go in the cross-ties backwards and Bug said We will take this up later, Huey! and then I had to work in the round pen.

I wanted to hang out with my rider because 1) my leg usually hurts when I am running around, and 2) she has treats that taste like apples but she made me go away from her and run around the ring.  The good news?  It did not hurt as much as it did!  So I kicked  up my heels, and I raced around the ring!  If I did not have a Fat Eye, it would have been perfect!!  But I did have a Fat Eye, and my rider made me stop and turn around a bunch of times.  I wanted to go in one direction and she made me go the other way.  It was not fair.  But at least it did not hurt!! Or, it did not hurt much!!!

Then she made me stop, and she put my back in my stall where I could eat hay.

I hope tomorrow is better.  No Fat Eyes, no sore legs, no fights with mares right on my butt.


No one has said I am the Wonder Horse in ages. I am thinking this means I am not the Wonder Horse any more, and I hope that Elvis is not either. It is being a rough week. But if I close my eyes and think about things like apples and carrots, it is better.


About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner will take you right there.

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