They Were Being Disrespectful!

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Well, here we are.  It is summer, which is good because there is a lot of grass, but it is bad because there are a lot of bugs.

I hate bugs.

I almost had a Very Bad Thing happen the other day when we were out riding because of bugs.  I had been working VERY hard and being  a VERY good horse, and then instead of walking around until I am not that hot any more in the ring, guess what we did?

We went out on the road.

Sometimes I like going out on the road because my rider takes me out there to a special spot where I can eat a LOT of grass!  But the road is a scary place.  There are a lot of plants that are not good to eat – I know that because I tried them and they were not at all nice – and there are a LOT of bunnies that live in those plants!!  Bunnies are very small and I do not think they eat horses, or even bite horses, but they make noises like things that eat and bite horses!! There are Horse Eating Monsters crashing around in those plants and it will jump out at me and try to eat me!!  I have to be ready to run away very very fast if that happens!! Or maybe I can hit it with my hoof and then run away!   I ask you, how am I supposed to tell the difference between those Horse Eating Monsters, which are very scary, and a bunny, which is not scary at all?!?!  So I always think it is the Monster, of course.  That way I will be ready when one comes out!

So the road is scary because of the Monsters and the bunnies.  It is also scary because of the bugs.  Well, it is not exactly scary because of the bugs.  Bugs are not scary except when they are.  But they are very annoying!! I HATE them!!  And that means that when my rider was riding me down that road, which we never did at all together before, and there were all these bugs trying to get through my Wonder Horse Fly Mask and get into my eyes and ears, and bite me on the chest and the legs, and worst, bite me on my belly AND the Monsters or the bunnies were crashing around in the plants, well…it would take a pretty stupid dull horse not to get worked up about all of that.  And then, just when I thought things were as bad as they could be, there was a noise.  It was a loud noise!  It went BLAM!  And then it went BLAM again, and more BLAM!

Well, that was it for me.  I jumped up in the air a little and I went in the direction that I thought was away from the BLAM and the Monsters and the bugs, and we went right into a tree!  My rider was up there saying Huey Huey Huey and sitting hard like she wanted me to stand still, but I could not do that!  I had to move!  Then there was a tree and another Monster in front of me, so I started backing up, which I hate to do usually, and then behind me there was a BLAM!

I was a little scared.  I wasn’t very scared, not like some silly young horses I could think out.  I was mostly surprised.  I can see that it might look like the same thing, if you didn’t know me and all.  But I was a little scared.  So I was glad when my rider did not fall off, because then I would I would have been surprised AND a little scared AND very embarrassed.  But that did not happen, and we got to go back out of the road, and there was a very scary board then that my rider wanted me to walk on.  You would have thought she would have known, but she did not.  She said Huey, you just walked over that ten minutes ago.  I said Rider, that was before the bugs and the Monsters and the BLAM.  It is different now. Also, I was walking the other way when I went over it before.  Now it is this way and that is totally different.  But she made me go over it anyway.  At least then I had some carrots and some grass, so it was OK.

Today, my rider came very early.  It was all different, because usually I am outside when the sun is up and I am inside when it is dark.  But I was outside when it was dark and then I came inside when the sun was up!  That is not how it usually goes!

And then, there is my rider when I still have most of my breakfast right there, hanging in that net that drives me nuts because it means I cannot eat all the hay at once.  And she said It is going to be very hot today Huey, so we have to work early.

But I said I do not want to work at all.  I want to stay here and eat my hay.

But she made me go in the halter and into the cross ties. Then there was something else that was strange.  Clay was not in the stall where he usually lives.  He was in Bug’s stall!  Bug had to go away because he hurt his leg and needed to be able to just go on the grass instead of having to work.  I miss him because we were BFFs.  Clay is not my BFF.  It was OK in one way that he was in Bug’s stall because when he is in his stall, he thinks it is the biggest joke to yank on my cross tie with his teeth and make my head move around.  I have told him many times that he should not be such a punk, but all he does is laugh.  So he could not do that because he was not in that place.

Then I realized that Bug used to put his head over the wall and talk to me when I was getting groomed.  Bug is an old and wise horse like me, and he was polite.  Clay is not polite.  And then he put his head over the wall and he was already laughing. I said Why are you laughing Clay? And he said Ha ha ha Huey!  When I was in my old stall, your rider would close the door so I could not yank on that tie.  But this stall does not have a door like that, and I can put my head here and yank on the tie any way!

So I said Clay you better not do that.  And he said Who is going to stop me?  And I turned my head as far around as I could, so he could see my whole face, and I gave him the biggest Stink Eye ever!!  And I said You better not do that or I am going to kick your butt.  But he just said You are going to have a hard time kicking my butt with my teeth on that cross tie that is stuck on your halter!

Then my rider, who was walking around but sleeping anyway, woke up a little bit and noticed my Stink Eye and she turned around and she saw Clay laughing at me.  And then she said Clay, leave him alone.  And she tickled his nose.  Now, I do not think my rider should be tickling Clay’s nose instead of paying attention to me, but it did make him put his head back on the right side of that wall.  But he said Huey, just you wait.

That horse should respect me more.

Then I had to go work with my rider.  We went out into the ring and she had the Magic Stick again.  She always has the Magic Stick now.  I can hardly get away with anything.  It is not fair.  It was really not fair today because I saw that the sticks were on the ground again.  I said Rider, I told you before that I am not a running over sticks horse.  But she  said I had to do it anyway to keep my muscles strong.  So I was not happy and did not want to go to the block, but she used the Magic Stick to make me.

Then a mare came in with a rider, and it was not that bad because I got to show off for her.  I like trotting faster than the other horses.  I like to canter too, and I did a very good canter.  But not at first, because at first, I was still wanting toshow my rider that I was not happy, so instead of cantering, I just made a very fast trot.  I did that a bunch of times.  Then I realized that it was more work to keep making that fast trot and going back to a walk than it would be if I just cantered, so that is when I made the good canter.  And I got to show off for that mare.

I got to show off for her some more when I had to run over those sticks.  I said Mare, watch me.  I am a jumping horse and this is how you jump.  She is young, that mare, and she is not a jumping horse.  And when my rider took me to the sticks, I did not trot on them.  I jumped them.  And there were a bunch of them, so I had to make a bunch of very small jumps!  This is not easy to do, but I wanted that mare to know that I am the Wonder Horse.  We were never in the ring together before, so she did not know.

Then my rider said Huey.  You jumped those poles.

And I said Yes!!  It was many small jumps!  Very good!

But the rider said No, it was not good.  You are supposed to be trotting over those, not jumping on them.

So I said I prefer to jump.

And the rider said You are not supposed to jump any more.  It is bad for your legs.

I said That is silly.  I have been a jumping horse forever!

And then she said But that does not even matter, because you are supposed to trot.  NOT jump.  Try it again.

Do you know what I did then?  That mare was still standing there because her rider said to stay, so I went up and I jumped them again.   My rider is not very good at jumping!  She just bangs around like crazy on my back instead of putting her weight up like she is supposed to when you go over jumps.

She said Huey.  That was not right.  You jumped them again.  Do not do that.  You need to trot.

But you know what?  She could not make me, not even with the Magic Stick.  No matter how many times she trotted me up to those sticks and said Now trot those poles! I just jumped them over and over.  It was good.  I like jumping.  Now I will try to teach my rider how to do that.  I taught her to canter, and I can teach her to jump!!  She said No, you are not supposed to jump.  And this is not the right kind of saddle for jumping anyway.  But you are not supposed to jump and you are supposed to do what I tell you to.  I think she should just get the right saddle for jumping.  I don’t need to learn to jump because I am very good at it already.  I can teach her to jump!  It will be better then both of us learning to dance.  Maybe it will work.

Then we went back into the barn and it was very hot!! I was all wet!!!  But because all us horses are in the barn when we usually are not in the barn, I got in huge trouble again.  There was another horse in there and she had her nose up to the wall.  Well, I am not going to turn down a chance to sniff noses.  So I went right up to her and sniffed her nose.  My rider usually does not let me sniff noses with other horses but she was paying attention to something else for one minute, so I went right over to that other horse and put my nose up.

I just meant to be friendly, but that is not how it happened.  This is why.  My rider does not let me sniff noses because she says I get carried away and it is dangerous.  I know it is dangerous.  I was sniffing noses with another horse and I accidentally kicked a person once.  That was not good.  I am not the kind of horse to kick people.

So I sniffed noses with that other horse. She is young, and so I said I am the Wonder Horse.  You should listen to me.  But she said I do not have to listen to you Huey.  You are not the Boss of Me.   So I said You are young.  What do you know?  I am old and wise.  And I blew at her.  I thought she would say Oh, you are right, I should listen to you, but she did not.  She just said You are still not the Boss of Me, and you should not be blowing that hard at my nose.  And she blew harder at me.

Well, then I completely forgot where I was, because if there is one thing I do not like it is being Disrespected by some other horse.  And I said do.  I said YOU should be more POLITE.  And I blew really hard at her.  But she said YOU should not be a BULLY.  And she blew really hard back at me.  Then what always happens happened again.  I blew really hard and I screamed DON’T TALK BACK TO ME YOU DISRESPECTFUL HORSE!! and I stamped my feet really hard on the ground!

And then what always happens happened again, and I realized my rider was smacking me on the neck with the lead rope and saying HUEY YOU STOP THAT.  GET AWAY FROM HER.  And I said Oops.  And my rider said Are you crazy?  So I said What?  And she said You just picked a FIGHT with a MARE?!?!?  What bugs are in your brain?  She is bigger than you AND she is a mare! She will kick your butt if you mess with her!!  She’s a mare.

Well, the rider was right.  That other horse is a mare, and she is bigger than me.  But she is still young and should listen to older smart horses like me.  And be more respectful.  It is a good thing I do not have to share a paddock with that mare because she would kick my butt, because first, she is bigger than me, but mostly, because she is a mare.

I AM going to teach that rider how to jump! I do not care if it is the wrong kind of saddle!!  And those other horses better be more respectful!!!!

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About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner Oldsmobile...it will take you right there.

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