I Sent That Bad Horse Voice Away!

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My stupid rider went away again, and she said that I had to go work for a couple of other people while she was gone.  One of those people is good because she does not yank on my mouth.  The other one does not yank on my mouth, but she makes me work hard!  They are both better riders than my rider, but it is better when it is my rider because she does not ask me to do hard things.

When she came back again, she said I missed you Huey! And I said You should.  I am the Wonder Horse.  She said You are the Puffed Up Horse! And then she looked at every inch of me.  This is right that she should do this.  I am worth looking at every inch of!  It is a privilege to look at every inch of me!!  And then she said Huey! What were you doing while I was gone!  And I said I was having to work Very Hard! But she said No, I mean how did you get all these cuts and scrapes!  You look like you have been playing with sharks!  I said What is a shark?  She made that noise like the wind with her mouth and said You have a lot of scrapes and things.  Your hair is all messed up, worse than if you had been playing with Clay.  I said It is the bugs.  They are very bad and they make me itch, and I have to roll around a lot.

Then she made a wet thing on my leg, and my shoulder, and my other leg, and my hock, and my other leg.  I said Ouch.  She said I have to clean these things out because they are full of ick.  I said It hurts when you do that.  She said I will try to be careful but it is going to sting some, please try to hold still because then it will hurt less.  So I tried very hard to hold still.  And it did hurt a little less.  Then she put some stuff on it and said This will keep the flies off.  I said Anything that keeps the flies off is good!

I HATE the flies.

So since she has been back I have had two apples, and a few apple treats, and a very small amount of grass, and no sticky hanging ball.  That is because I ate the other one.  I ate it all up!  It fell off the string right into my grain bucket!  Then I got to have it with my breakfast!!!  I hope another sticky ball comes soon.  They are good.  It has been very hot too, so I have been licking my special pink salt like crazy.  It used to be that my BFF Tango lived next door to me, and I would say I am licking my pink salt Tango!  It is so good!! And she would put her lips out and say Stop boasting so much, Huey.  You are a pest.

And she is a mare, so I have to do what she says, so I would stop boasting to her.  It did not make me stop boasting to Lemon Drop and Elvis, though.

I had to work hard yesterday because we got a lesson.  I always have to work harder when there is a lesson.  I had to do a bunch of very hard turns, and it was hot.  That was good because later, I got to have a shower.  And then some people came by and stood around and said how beautiful I am.  And they were right.  I am beautiful!  Then a lot later my rider came by with her person.  That guy always has a treat for me, and last night he had two carrots!  I did not even have to work for them like I do when it is just my rider!  That is better, when I don’t have to work.  It was still hot, though.

It has been hot forever.  That is not so bad because I like to get showers.  I put my face into the water and it scratches my chin!!!  I like that!!!  But when it is hot there are tons of flies.  And other stuff.  Even my Wonder Horse Fly Mask does not keep them all off, and not even the Fly Spray does either.

I HATE flies.

There are big flies that make a buzzing noise like they are a bee!  And when they bite me it HURTS.  I whip my tail around to get those flies!  My rider saw one and smacked it off me!  I did not even get scared because I knew she was going for that fly, and she got it, and knocked it onto the ground and then she stomped on it with her boot!! And she said Do not pester the Wonder Horse, you stupid fly!  You are dead now!!

That was being a good rider.

Today was not so good, though. My rider showed up again before I finished my breakfast.  I put my head up and I looked at her and I said Oh. It is just you.  And I put my head right back on the hay.

She said That is not the right thing to do, Huey.  It is me.  Put your head up because it is time to work.  I said No.  Then she sneaked that halter onto me and made me walk.

I said You are not the Boss of me.

She did not say anything.

I put my head down to eat some grass while we were walking.  I am not supposed to do this.  I know that.  If I have the halter, I am only supposed to eat grass when my rider says so, because she is like a mare.  But I did not feel like her being the Boss of me.

I am used to being the boss myself.  All my riders before, I was the Boss of them!!  Sometimes they would say Huey, you should do what I say!  And sometimes, if I felt like it, I would say OK.  But only because I felt like it.

This rider thinks that she is the Boss of me all the time.  Most of the time it is just easier to let her be the Boss of me.  She has tricks that my other riders did not.  And she is a lot bigger than them.  She is not afraid of my Scary Face.  And when I put the Stink Eye on her, instead of saying Oh, no, Huey!  What did I do!  Tell me how to make you stop putting that Stink Eye on! she just looks at me and you know what she does?

She laughs.

And she says Good Stink Eye Huey!!!  You are so cute!!  I said I am not cute! I am big and scary!  But she just says You can save that for someone who believes it.  Then she tickles me until I have to stop making the Stink Eye.

It is not fair.

Well, today, I was not going to put up with that. I was going to show her.  I am the Boss here!!

So I put my head down to eat grass.  She let me know it was Not OK by making my halter squeeze my head a little.  Well.  What I know is that I get One Chance with the squeezy halter, and if I try it again, the lead rope snake comes up to bite me on the butt.  I do not like the rope snake to bite me, so usually, I do not try it again.  Today, I thought maybe I will try it again, but my rider said HUEY! and I realized I did not want the rope snake to bite me so I stopped.

But.

But then we went into the barn, and guess what there was, right there?

Right.

It was a hay bale.

A whole hay bale.

And then I could not help it.  I thought that it was not fair that this rider made me leave my breakfast, and here was food, and she was being the Boss of me again, and I did not want her to be the Boss of me, it was time for me to show that I am Boss!  So I put my head down fast and I grabbed a huge mouthful of that hay!! And I started chewing it!!!

And the next thing that happened was that the rope snake bit me on the flank!  Hard!!

And I said HEY!  And I thought I do not want to be in this barn with a Horse Eating Rope Snake Monster so I started backing up!

I knew there was not really a Horse Eating Monster, but I was going to be the Boss.  So I gave the Super Huge Stink Eye to my rider because I know she has something to do with that rope snake, and I said HELP!  I AM BEING EATEN!!

But she just looked at me and said You are not!

And I said I AM TOO!!! And I pulled back.

Well.  With my other riders, this always worked.  They were little people, and they could not hold me, Huey The Wonder Horse, when I did not want to be held.

It did not work that way this morning, though.  I was very surprised to find that my rider was holding me there like a rock, and she said YOU DROP THAT RIGHT NOW HUEY!

I was very surprised!!! And I was even more surprised when that rider held me like a rock and she had a spare hand that she used to grab that hay right out of my mouth!!!!

That is right!! She took the hay away.  Right out of my mouth!!  Can you even believe this?

And then guess what she did!

She gave ME the Stink Eye! And she said BAD HORSE, HUEY! BAD HORSE!!

Well.

I am not really a Bad Horse, and I was surprised to hear my rider say so.  And then Clay, that dummy, started laughing so hard I thought he was going to fall over in his stall, saying You are a Bad Horse Huey!! HAHAHAHA!!  And all the mares were in the barn, and they all said Huey.  You are being one stupid gelding.  You better obey that mare even if she only has two legs.  Do not be such a Bad Horse.

So I said I am not a Bad Horse!! And the mares all said You are acting like one right now, Huey.

So I put my head down and went into the cross ties.  Then I was good.  But then when I got my tack on it came back.  I thought This bad rider is going to want me to go out there and do hard stuff I don’t feel like doing, and now she has the Magic Stick to make me, and then she will probably yank my mouth and bounce on my back, because even though that doesn’t happen as much, it still does, and she is going to expect to be the Boss of me AGAIN.  And I do not want anyone to be the Boss of me.

I am the Boss!

But you know what?

My rider gave me a look and she said You are being snippy Huey.  I think it is time to work on your Manners.

I said What are you talking about?

But then I saw she was taking me into the little round pen.  I said I do not want to go into that little round pen!!  But she said MOVE ON and made me go in anyway.

Well.  I went in, because I am not really a Bad Horse.   But when I got in there, my Bad Horse bit started talking to me and it was saying how no one should be the Boss of me, because I am big and strong and smart and brave.  And this person, she is not a very good rider.  And she really should not be the Boss of me.  And that Bad Horse voice said Run Huey!

So I started trotting around the ring.  The rider said OK and that is when I realized she had the lunge whip.  I realized this because I could see something pointing at my butt, and when things get pointed at my butt it makes me run.

Then the Bad Horse voice said So what if she has the lunge whip. YOU are the Boss, Huey!  Turn around!

And I could not help it.  I turned around.

Only, my rider was not happy that I turned around, and she made the Sign for me to turn back around and go the direction I had been going.

And the Bad Horse voice said You do not have to pay attention to that Sign Huey!  You are big!  She is small!  Just run at her and she will run away, and you will be the Boss!  So I ran at her.

Then she made the TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW Sign, and even with the Bad Horse voice, I had to do it.  I turned around and went back in the direction.

Then the Bad Horse voice said What are you doing, Huey!  You were going to go the other way!  Do it!

So I hopped up in the air and I turned around again, and I plunged my feet at that puny rider!  I thought for sure she would run away then!  But she did not!!! She made the TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW Sign, and I had to do it again!!

The Bad Horse voice said You are being weak Huey!  You go back in that other direction and you show that rider what!! So I did.

But she was ready for me!  She laughed.  She said You are being One Bad Horse today Huey!  But I still love you!  NOW TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW.  And MOVE ON!

That Bad Horse voice tried to say No, but then I saw she was making the whip move, so I turned around.  Then she said I am tired of this game Huey.  Let’s play another one.  And you know what she did then?

She made that whip crack!

Well, it did not hit me of course, she never hits me with that whip, but still.  A whip cracked behind me, and then I had to run forward.  I said to that Bad Horse voice, You stop saying these things to me!  I am not a Bad Horse!  Stop making me behave like one!  Go away, Bad Horse!! And then to make it leave, I bucked.  I bucked, and I cantered, and I bucked some more!  And there was my rider saying You go Huey!  Get that Bad Horse stuff out!!  And then I guess I bucked that Bad Horse right out. Then I could just trot, and stop, and turn around when my rider said to, and trot some more.  Then we went and worked in the ring.

I am glad that Bad Horse voice got out.  I do not like to be a Bad Horse ever, but I really do not want to be a Bad Horse with a rider on me.  That would be very, very bad.  Good thing I was not.  And afterwards, I got a bunch of sticky ook on the scrapes, and some apple treats, because I was being a very Good Horse.

I do not think I will be the Bad Horse tomorrow. It is too much work!

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About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner Oldsmobile...it will take you right there.

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