I Had The Biggest Apple EVER.


I have been being a very good riding horse!  AND I have been a going out to the paddock with all the other horses horse.  That is almost as good as being a riding horse, but being a riding horse means that I am also being the Wonder Horse some more.  I do not think I got to be the Wonder Horse much at all with my owie.

Last week I was the lunging horse.  I had to lunge before my rider rode me.  She said I might have bugs in my brain because it was windy and the weather was changing.  I said I am a GOOD horse!! But she said Sometimes even GOOD horses get bugs in their brains, so maybe we will lunge before riding.

But I did not have bugs in my brain that day.

did have bugs in my brain later though!!!  My rider came one day and she was not in riding clothes.  But she said she was going to brush me up and take all of my dirt off because we were going to Have Company.  She said it was a Holiday and that meant there were lots of people around who wanted to come over and see me!  Well, I had spent a lot of time out in the paddock putting mud on, so I was not happy that my rider took it all back off.  She missed a little spot under my elbow, and I said Hahahah I am not a perfectly clean horse!!!  And she said You are not even close to being a perfectly clean horse, Huey.  Look.  If I slap you on the neck it makes a big dust cloud.  And I said Yes! It does!  That is because I am good at getting the dirt on!!!

But she said People want to see a shiny clean horse, Huey. Not a huge pile of moving mud.  I said I am not a pile!  I am a horse!!  But she took my mud off any way.

Then we had to go into the round pen. She said I had to show that I could mind her before I had Visitors.  So I said I can mind you!  And when she said Walk on Huey, I said I can mind you so good I will not just walk, I will trot!!!

But then you know what happened?

I trotted around, and then!

There were ROCKS!!!

BIG SCARY ROCKS outside the pen!! And I said I am not going near those scary rocks!! And I cut across the middle of the pen.

But I did not know, and my rider said Huey! You are in my space!  Get your big butt out to the fence.

But I said I cannot!  I am too scared of those rocks!! And I cut across the middle again.

This time, my rider pointed the whip at my shoulder! Usually this means I need to go away and go to the fence, but when I looked, those scary rocks were STILL THERE.  So I went to cut across the middle again, but my rider gave my shoulder a Stink Eye and pointed the whip at it, and because I could not go to the scary rocks, I had to run faster.   And you know what happens when I run fast in the round pen.  It makes me buck.

Then I was really in trouble!  Bucking and running faster and going too close to my rider.  And she let me know it!!!  But I said Rider! I am too scared!

Then she said Huey. You are being one big silly horse.  And she came over and put the halter on and said Let’s go look at the scary stuff together.

We started walking, then I stopped and said There is a scary thing on the fence.

She said Huey.  That is not a scary thing.  That is some kind of fly trap to keep the nasty flies off your tummy.  And I said It is?  So she held it up and I saw.  It was a fly trap. So I said I am not being scared of that rider! And we walked on.

Then I said I am scared of those rocks!  But she said Huey.  Those rocks have been there all year and you have not been scared of them yet.  But I said I did not see those scary rocks before!  The grass hid them!!!  But she said Stop and look at those rocks, Huey.  They are not jumping around.  They do not have teeth.  They are not making big noises.  They are just sitting there.  Like rocks.  And I said Oh. You are right.  They are rocks.  I am not being scared of them any more.

Then I said There is a scary thing on the fence! And I stopped.  But my rider said Huey.  It is another fly trap.  It is not a scary thing.  Look.  And I said Oh. You are right.  It is just a fly trap.  I will not be scared of that.

Then there were some scary logs on the ground, and I said I cannot go close to those logs!!!! But my rider said Huey.  You watch the mares walk up and down through those logs every day.  It is an exercise for their stifles.  The mares are not scared of those logs.  Those logs are not moving around, they are not making noise.  They do not have teeth.  They are not going to eat a horse.  They are just logs, lying on the ground.  So I said You are right.  They are just logs.  I am not scared any more.

And we kept walking, but then!  There was a scary thing on the fence!!!!  And I put my hoofs on the ground and said I cannot go past that scary thing!!!

But my rider said Huey. You have got to be kidding me.  It is the same fly trap you just saw!!! You just told me that you are not being scared of that fly trap!!  And then I said Oh, you are right. I did know about that fly trap.  OK.  But then!

There were scary rocks!!! And I said NO! I am not going near those scary rocks!!

And then my rider made the noise like wind in the trees and said You are one huge idiot, Huey.  I do not know how you have survived this long, you are that much of a dummy.  I bet Elvis would not keep being scared, over and over, of the same pile of rocks.

But I said Pumpkin would.  And she said You are probably right.  But Pumpkin is not much more than a baby.  And you are a big, old, wise horse.  Sometimes.

Then, it was good, my Visitors came.  And everyone stood around saying My what a beautiful horse! and giving me treats.

That was being good.

Then another day we went riding.  Frankie the cat was running around in the barn even though he was supposed to be in the tack room.  He escaped. He told me so.  I was standing around getting my dirt taken off again and Frankie ran under my feet.  I jumped a little and said Frankie, you should not do that.  It scared me.  But he said Huey, you are a horse.  Everything scares you.  But I said No it does not.  And he said Yes it does. And I said No it does not. And he said I will show you, Huey.

And he did.  I am sorry to say.  But we were riding, and there went Frankie the cat in the grass.  I did not see him because he is the same color as the grass.  All I heard was some scary slinking around, and I jumped a little bit.  My rider said Huey!  Stop that!  So I did.  But then there was more slinking noises, and they made me jump again!!  And my rider said HUEY.  STOP. THAT.  But I said It is not my fault, rider! There is a scary monster next to the ring!!!!  But she said Huey.  You are being silly.  It is just Frankie the cat looking for mice.  Please.  Frankie and Sparky the dog are always running around, and you are not scared of them, you dummy!  But I said I am scared today.

She made that noise like the wind again, and she said Frankie!  Get away from the ring or I will kick your butt.  I will let HUEY kick your butt!  But Frankie said Huey would have to catch me first, and he is scared of his own mane!! So I said I am not scared of my own mane!! And Frankie said Yes, you are! Scaredy butt!  Like a little foal you are such a chicken!  And I said I am not like a little foal!  I will show you!!

But my rider said HUEY.  Stop that right now.  Better yet, move out.  And then she made me do serpentines and circles until I forgot about Frankie, and then it was good again.

Today my rider showed up but she was not in riding clothes.  Yesterday, it snowed! I like snow because you know what?

It is wet.

And you know what wet things do?


They make mud.

It is very easy to put on a lot of mud after it snows a little!!! And I did!!!!

So my rider said Huey, you are so dirty!

But I said Rider, I think you have an apple.  I can smell it.

She said Huey, you are too much.

But she did  have an apple!

And it was not just some plain old apple like any horse could get.  It was HUGE.

That apple was the size of a hoof!  And not a little hoof like Elvis has.  It was the size of a big huge hoof like I have.  That is because I am being a very large horse, and very large horses are having very large hoofs!!

I had to do some stretches to get that apple, and Clay said I looked like a trained pony.  I said Ha ha Clay.  I do not see you doing tricks and getting any apple.

He said that was because he was a big, serious horse, not a trick pony like me.

I said I am still eating this huge apple, Clay, and you are not eating any apple.  This apple is all for me.  Maybe if you did some trick you would get a huge apple too.  But maybe not, because I am going to get all the apples from my rider.  I am not leaving any apples for you.

Then my rider had to go, and you will not be believing this!! On her way out, Clay stuck his nose over the fence and said Can I have an apple too?

That horse has some nerve.  I said Clay, you leave my rider alone!

And she said Sorry Clay, Huey had all the apple!

And I said I told you so Clay!  Hahahahahaha

Then Clay stood at the fence and called me a bunch of bad names while my rider left.  But that is OK, because I still had the apple and he did not.

This is me. I am having to be clean for this picture. But I am STILL having that huge apple.


About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner Oldsmobile...it will take you right there.

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