I Am Bored.


I know it has been being a very long time since I am talking to you, but that is because there has not been being anything at all interesting to talk about.  There is no riding because there is being snow all over the place.  It is not being nice snow either.  It is old snow and it is hard, and not at all nice to roll on or to eat and play with a horse’s lips.  I am being all by myself in the paddock and there is not any other horse with me for fighting.  And the hard old snow is not being nice for running around on either.  So here I am, one horse that is waiting for spring.

I am also waiting for my rider to come visit.  She came today and I said It has been being a very long time since you are here to see me.

She said It has been one week.

And I said That is what I said, a very long time.

She said Huey, I didn’t think you liked it when I came to visit you in the winter.  All I can do is take you in the barn and brush you, and you told me that is a waste of time if we are not going to be riding.  And we cannot be riding now.  And you always fuss around because you think you are going to get zapped.

She was right.  I do always think I am going to get zapped, and there is nothing I hate more than getting ZAPPED.  And it is boring and stupid to go out of the paddock and into the barn and just get brushed off.  And also, my rider always complains that there is poop in my tail and says she is going to wash it.  And I always tell her I do not want to get my tail washed, so she has not done that but she complains about it all the time anyway.

But.  I do not think this is the point.  I am thinking that a horse should be getting more visits even if they are boring and stupid.

So I am saying to her That does not matter.  You should be visiting me more anyway.  I am bored.

She said How can you be bored, Huey?  You are out here with the weather and the hay and the other horses right there.

But I said The other horses do not scratch my butt.  The blanket is good because I do not like to be wet and cold, but it makes my butt itch.  The other horses are also not giving me carrots and apples.  Or Horse Muffins.  Do you have a Horse Muffin today?

She said No but I thought she might anyway, so I asked if I could look in her pocket.

This was being Very Good Horse of me, because usually I do not ask about things like that.  I am a big horse and I am not asking people about their pockets.  I am finding out about those pockets all on my own.  But I remembered that my rider is always telling me I am not being allowed to put my lips on her clothes, and I am not being allowed to chew on her at all, even if that is what I would be doing for another horse.

She said Good boy, Huey, for asking!  And she held up her pocket so I could sniff it, and it smelled like there had been apples, and carrots, and Horse Muffins, and bute, and a hoof pick in that pocket, but not for a very long time.

I was being one disappointed horse then, I am telling you!!!

But she was putting my halter on and saying it was time to go get dusted off and get my feet checked, and usually when that happens my blanket comes off and guess what?

I get a butt scratch.

I am a very smart horse, and I am being smart enough to show my rider just where to scratch.  I am doing this by shuffling my feet and butt over closer to her so she will be able to see.  Usually she is going right there where I am showing her, but sometimes she is poking me in the butt instead and saying MOVE OVER HUEY.

So I got scratched a bunch of times today, and I got brushed all over.  My rider says I have a beard.  She also says I have curly feathers on my feet.  That is silly.  Birds have feathers.  Horses have hair.

Just like I thought, though, it was pretty boring.  But then I got my jacket back on and you know what that means.  I means I might be getting a treat.

I am not usually just getting treats.  Usually I am having to work for treats.  I work for them by making my nose touch my butt.  I can do that on both sides.  Lots of horses cannot!! But I am a stretching horse.  That is because there might be treats back there by my butt, but also, it is feeling good.  So I had my jacket on, and I opened my nose very wide so I could smell everything that there might be to smell.  Like some carrots or Horse Muffins, maybe.  And guess what?

I could smell a Horse Muffin.  And it was not an old smell.  It was a new one!!!!

So then I am knowing that my rider has Horse Muffins, and because I am being a very smart horse I am knowing what to do!! I am putting my nose to my butt!!!!

And my rider is laughing and saying Huey, you have to wait for me to make the treat back there! You cannot just make it be there by putting your nose there.  Move over!

And I am thinking that she is right, usually she is back there with the treat when I make my nose touch my butt.  So I am moving over, and there is being a Horse Muffin!!!!!  I am eating that Horse Muffin and chewing it up and licking my lips!! And then I am thinking that maybe there will be another Horse Muffin on the other side, and I am putting my nose back there too!  And my rider is saying Wait for me, Huey! And then there is being another one!!!

A lot of times, there is even one more Horse Muffin hiding under my belly.  But this time, my rider took the rope and said Let’s go back to the paddock, Huey.  So I said OK, but I did not say anything else because I was still chewing that Horse Muffin.  They are very chewy!

And I went back in my paddock and remembered that there was still some hay, but before that, I could smell that fresh Horse Muffin smell again, and there was one right there in my paddock!  Well, it was in my rider’s hand, but my rider was in the paddock, so the Horse Muffin was in my paddock.  I ate that right up!!

Then you should have seen it.  My rider said Bye Bye Huey and went out.  Clay ran over and said Can I have one too?  But my rider said No, Clay, they are only for Huey.

And I said That’s right, Clay, they are only for me!!

And the Pumpkin ran over and said Huey, you should be giving us that thing.  We are mares and mares are more important than geldings.

So I said You are right, Pumpkin, mares are more important than geldings, but I am not sharing my Horse Muffins!!  They are only for me! My rider said so!!!

And then the mares and Clay yelled for a while, but I just chomped my Horse Muffin for a very long time and then when I was done, I licked my lips.  And I said Yum yum yum, these Horse Muffins are so good.  And Clay put his feet up in the air, and the mares said We will see about this Huey.  But I just went over and finished my breakfast.

So it was boring and stupid to just get brushed, but it was a lot of fun to show off my Horse Muffins.  Now I just need to do that for Elvis too.


This is me, opening up my nose to try to smell some Horse Muffins or carrots!


About Lori Holder-Webb

I'm a Southern Woman by birth and a Texan Woman by upbringing...and yet I find myself living in New England and married to a New York City boy. Up here we use the same currency as we do at home, and I don't need to travel with a passport, but the commonalities pretty much end there. The language is different, the jokes are different, the people are different, and the weather and terrain sure are different too. I moved away from Texas in 2002, and ever since then, I've been the stranger in the strange land... I've had some questions about the name of the blog - if you were not alive, or living abroad or under a rock, or in grad school during the late 1980s, Oldsmobile attempted to shuck its stodgy image with a series of commercials intended to bring brand appeal to the younger generation: this car, they said, is not your father's Oldsmobile. If you have a morbid curiosity, hit YouTube for William Shatner Oldsmobile...it will take you right there.

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